stepping on a rake

 It's been a long whie since I've posted and with good reason.  I've held my emotions close to the chest.   I've literally held them from everyone.  My younger brother, whom I am closed to, knows little to knowing about my feelings.  I can't bring myself to talk about it with anyone.  My girlfriend left me in August of last year for reasons that were her own.  I don't blame her and I know my part in things and had I done things differently...who knows.   I still love her.   I never stopped loving her.  She tried to see if we could meet after things were over to exchange items and maybe talk over a beer.   I couldn't do that.  I was in so much pain.  As I write this, I have tears in my eyes.  she offered me friendship and I really wish I could have accepted it.   That was impossible.  how can you be friends with someone you still love?   I know things were different for her.   She had closed the door on her feelings for me.    That was so hard.  She once told me she would never let politics get in the way of love.   I guess that wasn/t true.   She also told me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.  A few months later, that wasn't true anymore.   I assign no blame.  I know that I had my hand in this.     All of this is to say that today, however many months later, I signed up for Bumble again and she was suggested to me.  I thought for a long time about yes or no.  I said yes because I've never stopped loving her.  She is amazing and since she left me, the light has gone out of my world.  I know she''ll never read this and if she didm, she'd think I'm putting too much pressure on her.   That the color in my world is dependent upon her.  I understand that now.  but its not what i'm trying to say.  when i was with her, I could do anything.  I never felt so loved.  i never felt respected.  I don't know if that something you can get back after its lost.  I suppose its possible but its an uphill climb.  Fuck I miss her.   I miss us.

Today, I finally told myself it was time to try to love again.  I had little hope.   I created my profile and two swipes in, she was in my feed.    What do I do?  Do I block  her?  No, she's not a fake account.  Do I swipe left?  No, I couldn't do that.  I always told myself I wouldn't chase someone but fuck me, I am.  I have never, ever felt as loved and as safe with anyone as I have with her.  I'm not bragging but I've had other women since then who have shown interest and frankly, they pale in comparison..  

I've said to myself over and over that I need to be ok on my own.  I was.  Until I met the right woman who helped me heal from the abuse and taught me what a healthy relationship was.   

I had everything I ever wanted and I fucked it up.  Part of me wishes I never met her.  The pain of losing her may actually be worse than never having her.    

There's a song that I listened to when she left me and I've referenced it before and for me, the key line is 

"And I'll dream each night of some version of you

That I might not have, but I did not lose"

and the weird think is that I rarely dream of people I know.   Last night I dreamed of you.   You were so kind to me and I was shying away because I couldn't take it.  It was too much.  You were your super positive and kind self and I was, for reasons I don't understand, ashamed.  Maybe I do understand and it doesn't matter.  Fuck this is hard.  Honesty is brutal.  I haven't cried like this in I don't know how long.