Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
So....the autism thing
Since April is nearly over and it's autism awareness month, I suppose I should talk a bit about it. I guess the best way to start is to rehash the story of How I Got Here.
My oldest was born in 1999. Healthy, happy and so on. One peculiar thing he did as an infant was to avoid eye contact. Our doctor assured us it was because he was so young and his eyesight was undeveloped and he was probably focusing on something in the background that was more interesting. Besides, babies don't recognize faces for a few months after birth. Only later did we find out that our doctor was an idiot.
He was 16 mos. old when his little brother was born and he was walking and making wishes known by pulling me or my wife by the hand to whatever he wanted etc. He was fascinated with the wheels on toys. If you gave him a truck he'd turn it over and spin the wheels and smile. Only later would I find out this is a major warning sign. This was our first born and what the hell did I know? He didn't come with a manual or anything we were just doing what seemed right with an occasional referral to The Book.
As he got a bit older we noticed that he did not point at things. Rather, he would push my hand toward the thing he wanted. He also didn't respond to his name very often. I would have to get into his line of sight to get his attention. I figured he was just focused on what he was doing. By this point my wife was beside herself and adamant that something was wrong. I wasn't sure but figured it was better to find out one way or the other. We did our homework and went to the top developmental pediatrician in Delaware. Highly recommended and blah blah blah. We trekked up to Wilmington and waited forever in a hot observation room for her. We were all very antsy by the time she arrived. After a cursory observation and interview she said he was fine and we had nothing to worry about. My wife asked about PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Delay- Not Otherwise Specified from DSM-IV) "Don't read any of it. It will only confuse you and make things worse." I was very very relieved. My wife was not satisfied.
We carried on for another six months. No talking yet and he's now two and a half. Now I'm firmly in my wife's camp but very confused. Why would this doctor tell us he's fine if he's not talking. We had his hearing checked and his mandibles (that'd be the jaw bones and muscles etc.) No problems there. Finally we went to Childwatch for an evaluation. There were about 8 staff members each with a different specialty. Speech Therapist, Developmental Pediatrician, Occupational Therapist, etc. In a strange twist, it was Halloween and some of the staff were actually in costume which made this all the more surreal. They evaluated him and after zero discussion they unanimously agreed that not only was he autistic but profoundly so. My wife cried and I felt vindicated? Determined? I'm still not sure what the right word is. I had been through denial for the previous 6 months and was now very mission oriented. Finally we had a name for the problem and a course of action to be taken. In my mind I was thinking "Well, we have work to do, let's get to it." It was quiet why my wife composed herself and I spoke first.
"Fine. We have a name for this. What do we do now?"
They explained that I was very lucky to be in the only state in the nation with a public school exclusively for autistic kids.
Fast forward several years and here we are.
One thing I think people generally hear about is what autism is like broadly.
It affects social interaction and cognitive development and so on. That is true but also overly simplistic. Autism is a spectrum disorder which means that there are people on either end of it. People who are Asperger's may not even be considered by some to be autistic. You may know someone who has Asperger's and not know. They may not even know it. They may just be labeled rude, inconsiderate or just odd. Autistic people range from Temple Grandin on one end to my son on the other. (As an aside I highly recommend her books they are fascinating)
So, what's it like to have an autistic son? In a word, challenging. From here on out I'll describe our situation specifically and am not trying to extrapolate that to include autism generally or whatever.
My son, in addition to being autistic he has pica, OCD, ADHD and a sleep disorder. These are common comorbidities for autistic people. Pica seems to have abated for the most part and we haven't had any incidents in a while. OCD and ADHD are major concerns. For example, he is very routine driven. Any variations from routine are met with very severe temper tantrums and frequently aggression (i.e. hitting and kicking) towards people and objects. Sometimes we have no idea what triggers the tantrums and sometimes we do. We have to do certain things in certain order to keep him on track. Shoes must always be put on left first then right. Velcro straps on shoes must be fastened bottom left first, top left, bottom right then top right. All doors in the house must be completely open or completely closed. A half open door will be closed by the self-appointed Door Closer.
Sensory issues are a big concern too. Eldest is very particular about certain things. He will not eat soft food. The mere sight of pudding will induce gagging and probably vomiting. Even if his brothers are eating it and he sees it, he will throw up. Most of the food he likes is crispy or crunchy. We've been able to get his diet fairly balanced all things considered. He also has a "high sensory diet" meaning he needs a huge amount of physical stimulation to feel grounded. He'll ask for "scratches" with a sign and want us to scratch his back, arms, legs etc. Or he makes a sound for tickle which sounds more like "Di Da" and then he'll giggle and hunch his shoulders to block you. It's probably my favorite thing he does. He also is in constant motion. If he's sitting still he's probably about to fall asleep. We bought him a joggers trampoline and he bounces on it constantly. It's great exercise and helps keep him in shape as the medicine he's on causes a dramatic increase in appetite.
Since he cannot talk communication is very very difficult. His receptive language is very good. Usually much better than people give him credit for. I can give complex instructions like "go get your shoes and socks and sit on the steps" and he can do so. (Will he do so is another matter) He uses sign language for highly preferred activities and wants. He can sign juice, help, walk, scratch (like scratch my back please), tickle etc. When he cannot sign what he wants or we cannot meet that need he will usually become aggressive and hit me, my wife or whomever else is near. This is a major problem because his brothers are on the receiving end of this sometimes and we can't always stop him. Sometimes, eldest will be in one room by himself watching Elmo and he'll run from the room, find his brother, hit him in the head a few times and run back. No provocation or reason (that I can see). Everything was quiet a minute ago and now my younger son is crying. That's a big reason we don't take eldest out in the community much. The tantrums and stares are bad enough but I can deal with those. It's the fear that he's going to hit someone or someone's child that I don't want to risk.
Sleeping is another issue I've talked about from time to time here. Autistic people frequently have trouble sleeping. My son will often sleep from 7:30 until 12:00 or so and then be up for the day. The thing is, when he's up he's up. Remember that he's ADHD so he will be running and jumping and vocalizing at top volume at 1, 2, 3 in the morning. This one is a real strain. I would go so far as to call it debilitating at times. At one point in 2003 I was working on a major project at work, had a newborn and eldest was in the middle of a two week period of not sleeping. I can honestly say that nearly broke me and in all seriousness nearly ended my marriage. We made it through but barely. We've more than recovered since then and deal with it much better now. We have a system and a routine and we basically make the most of it. It is very very difficult not to be selfish when you're that sleep deprived. Lastly, my son is on sleeping medication. As such, he cannot control his bowels when sleeping so he has to wear an overnight diaper. Frequently, he'll take it off when sleeping and then pee everywhere. Just last night I went to check on him and he was drenched. He had a perfectly dry diaper around his knees. I sat him up, took his clothes off and moved him into our bed. Cleaned him up while my wife changed the bed. I put his pajamas on him and back to bed. He really didn't wake up but it could have easily gone the other way and he would have been up for the day. Last week he peed in the bed 5 days in a row. Think about that. 5 blankets, and 5 sheet sets to wash in addition to the regular laundry for 6 people. Now you know why we're doing a zillion loads of laundry per week and why my power/water bills are so high.
Things you need to know about autistic people and parents of autistic people.
1. No, my son is not Rain Man. He cannot count cards, play piano or whatever. I appreciate you trying to put some sort of positive spin on this but you sound like an ass.
2. My 7 year old son may have a meltdown in the grocery store for reasons unknown (even to me). Staring at me like I'm a hapless parent is bad but I'll ignore you. Open your mouth and I'm giving you both barrels for your ignorance and lack of compassion.
3. Don't patronize him. He's not stupid and he understands what you're saying. Talk to him, he may surprise you, he may not. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
4. Caveat to above. Set expectations accordingly and know his limits. Don't set him up for failure. I do not bring him into areas with large crowds. He'd have a full blown meltdown that would probably have any nearby priests attempting an exorcism.
5. Don't pity me. Having a disabled child is not ennobling or heroic. It just is. I didn't choose this, it was chosen for me.
6. Caveat to above. It has made me a better person. I am far more patient and compassionate than I have ever been and perhaps why this was chosen for me.
7. This is normal for us. I've never not had an autistic son so I have no idea what it means to have the family go to a restaurant for dinner. That's something we'll never be able to do.
8. Autistic children are very expensive. They break things all the time. They usually pick very expensive things to break. My son likes to kick holes in drywall. Some kids like the sound of breaking glass. They have particular diets and and those diapers aren't cheap. In 2007 I had nearly $9,000 in out of pocket medical expenses. The bulk of that was for eldest.
9. If you complain about how busy and hectic your life is with your two typical kids I am either going to be bemused or enraged depending on how good or bad my week has been.
10. Don't shy from asking questions. I'd rather have you ask me directly about how, why or whatever than beating around the bush or keeping mum for fear of offending me.
11. One autistic child is as difficult to handle as my three other kids combined.
More if I can think of them.
My oldest was born in 1999. Healthy, happy and so on. One peculiar thing he did as an infant was to avoid eye contact. Our doctor assured us it was because he was so young and his eyesight was undeveloped and he was probably focusing on something in the background that was more interesting. Besides, babies don't recognize faces for a few months after birth. Only later did we find out that our doctor was an idiot.
He was 16 mos. old when his little brother was born and he was walking and making wishes known by pulling me or my wife by the hand to whatever he wanted etc. He was fascinated with the wheels on toys. If you gave him a truck he'd turn it over and spin the wheels and smile. Only later would I find out this is a major warning sign. This was our first born and what the hell did I know? He didn't come with a manual or anything we were just doing what seemed right with an occasional referral to The Book.
As he got a bit older we noticed that he did not point at things. Rather, he would push my hand toward the thing he wanted. He also didn't respond to his name very often. I would have to get into his line of sight to get his attention. I figured he was just focused on what he was doing. By this point my wife was beside herself and adamant that something was wrong. I wasn't sure but figured it was better to find out one way or the other. We did our homework and went to the top developmental pediatrician in Delaware. Highly recommended and blah blah blah. We trekked up to Wilmington and waited forever in a hot observation room for her. We were all very antsy by the time she arrived. After a cursory observation and interview she said he was fine and we had nothing to worry about. My wife asked about PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Delay- Not Otherwise Specified from DSM-IV) "Don't read any of it. It will only confuse you and make things worse." I was very very relieved. My wife was not satisfied.
We carried on for another six months. No talking yet and he's now two and a half. Now I'm firmly in my wife's camp but very confused. Why would this doctor tell us he's fine if he's not talking. We had his hearing checked and his mandibles (that'd be the jaw bones and muscles etc.) No problems there. Finally we went to Childwatch for an evaluation. There were about 8 staff members each with a different specialty. Speech Therapist, Developmental Pediatrician, Occupational Therapist, etc. In a strange twist, it was Halloween and some of the staff were actually in costume which made this all the more surreal. They evaluated him and after zero discussion they unanimously agreed that not only was he autistic but profoundly so. My wife cried and I felt vindicated? Determined? I'm still not sure what the right word is. I had been through denial for the previous 6 months and was now very mission oriented. Finally we had a name for the problem and a course of action to be taken. In my mind I was thinking "Well, we have work to do, let's get to it." It was quiet why my wife composed herself and I spoke first.
"Fine. We have a name for this. What do we do now?"
They explained that I was very lucky to be in the only state in the nation with a public school exclusively for autistic kids.
Fast forward several years and here we are.
One thing I think people generally hear about is what autism is like broadly.
It affects social interaction and cognitive development and so on. That is true but also overly simplistic. Autism is a spectrum disorder which means that there are people on either end of it. People who are Asperger's may not even be considered by some to be autistic. You may know someone who has Asperger's and not know. They may not even know it. They may just be labeled rude, inconsiderate or just odd. Autistic people range from Temple Grandin on one end to my son on the other. (As an aside I highly recommend her books they are fascinating)
So, what's it like to have an autistic son? In a word, challenging. From here on out I'll describe our situation specifically and am not trying to extrapolate that to include autism generally or whatever.
My son, in addition to being autistic he has pica, OCD, ADHD and a sleep disorder. These are common comorbidities for autistic people. Pica seems to have abated for the most part and we haven't had any incidents in a while. OCD and ADHD are major concerns. For example, he is very routine driven. Any variations from routine are met with very severe temper tantrums and frequently aggression (i.e. hitting and kicking) towards people and objects. Sometimes we have no idea what triggers the tantrums and sometimes we do. We have to do certain things in certain order to keep him on track. Shoes must always be put on left first then right. Velcro straps on shoes must be fastened bottom left first, top left, bottom right then top right. All doors in the house must be completely open or completely closed. A half open door will be closed by the self-appointed Door Closer.
Sensory issues are a big concern too. Eldest is very particular about certain things. He will not eat soft food. The mere sight of pudding will induce gagging and probably vomiting. Even if his brothers are eating it and he sees it, he will throw up. Most of the food he likes is crispy or crunchy. We've been able to get his diet fairly balanced all things considered. He also has a "high sensory diet" meaning he needs a huge amount of physical stimulation to feel grounded. He'll ask for "scratches" with a sign and want us to scratch his back, arms, legs etc. Or he makes a sound for tickle which sounds more like "Di Da" and then he'll giggle and hunch his shoulders to block you. It's probably my favorite thing he does. He also is in constant motion. If he's sitting still he's probably about to fall asleep. We bought him a joggers trampoline and he bounces on it constantly. It's great exercise and helps keep him in shape as the medicine he's on causes a dramatic increase in appetite.
Since he cannot talk communication is very very difficult. His receptive language is very good. Usually much better than people give him credit for. I can give complex instructions like "go get your shoes and socks and sit on the steps" and he can do so. (Will he do so is another matter) He uses sign language for highly preferred activities and wants. He can sign juice, help, walk, scratch (like scratch my back please), tickle etc. When he cannot sign what he wants or we cannot meet that need he will usually become aggressive and hit me, my wife or whomever else is near. This is a major problem because his brothers are on the receiving end of this sometimes and we can't always stop him. Sometimes, eldest will be in one room by himself watching Elmo and he'll run from the room, find his brother, hit him in the head a few times and run back. No provocation or reason (that I can see). Everything was quiet a minute ago and now my younger son is crying. That's a big reason we don't take eldest out in the community much. The tantrums and stares are bad enough but I can deal with those. It's the fear that he's going to hit someone or someone's child that I don't want to risk.
Sleeping is another issue I've talked about from time to time here. Autistic people frequently have trouble sleeping. My son will often sleep from 7:30 until 12:00 or so and then be up for the day. The thing is, when he's up he's up. Remember that he's ADHD so he will be running and jumping and vocalizing at top volume at 1, 2, 3 in the morning. This one is a real strain. I would go so far as to call it debilitating at times. At one point in 2003 I was working on a major project at work, had a newborn and eldest was in the middle of a two week period of not sleeping. I can honestly say that nearly broke me and in all seriousness nearly ended my marriage. We made it through but barely. We've more than recovered since then and deal with it much better now. We have a system and a routine and we basically make the most of it. It is very very difficult not to be selfish when you're that sleep deprived. Lastly, my son is on sleeping medication. As such, he cannot control his bowels when sleeping so he has to wear an overnight diaper. Frequently, he'll take it off when sleeping and then pee everywhere. Just last night I went to check on him and he was drenched. He had a perfectly dry diaper around his knees. I sat him up, took his clothes off and moved him into our bed. Cleaned him up while my wife changed the bed. I put his pajamas on him and back to bed. He really didn't wake up but it could have easily gone the other way and he would have been up for the day. Last week he peed in the bed 5 days in a row. Think about that. 5 blankets, and 5 sheet sets to wash in addition to the regular laundry for 6 people. Now you know why we're doing a zillion loads of laundry per week and why my power/water bills are so high.
Things you need to know about autistic people and parents of autistic people.
1. No, my son is not Rain Man. He cannot count cards, play piano or whatever. I appreciate you trying to put some sort of positive spin on this but you sound like an ass.
2. My 7 year old son may have a meltdown in the grocery store for reasons unknown (even to me). Staring at me like I'm a hapless parent is bad but I'll ignore you. Open your mouth and I'm giving you both barrels for your ignorance and lack of compassion.
3. Don't patronize him. He's not stupid and he understands what you're saying. Talk to him, he may surprise you, he may not. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
4. Caveat to above. Set expectations accordingly and know his limits. Don't set him up for failure. I do not bring him into areas with large crowds. He'd have a full blown meltdown that would probably have any nearby priests attempting an exorcism.
5. Don't pity me. Having a disabled child is not ennobling or heroic. It just is. I didn't choose this, it was chosen for me.
6. Caveat to above. It has made me a better person. I am far more patient and compassionate than I have ever been and perhaps why this was chosen for me.
7. This is normal for us. I've never not had an autistic son so I have no idea what it means to have the family go to a restaurant for dinner. That's something we'll never be able to do.
8. Autistic children are very expensive. They break things all the time. They usually pick very expensive things to break. My son likes to kick holes in drywall. Some kids like the sound of breaking glass. They have particular diets and and those diapers aren't cheap. In 2007 I had nearly $9,000 in out of pocket medical expenses. The bulk of that was for eldest.
9. If you complain about how busy and hectic your life is with your two typical kids I am either going to be bemused or enraged depending on how good or bad my week has been.
10. Don't shy from asking questions. I'd rather have you ask me directly about how, why or whatever than beating around the bush or keeping mum for fear of offending me.
11. One autistic child is as difficult to handle as my three other kids combined.
More if I can think of them.
One of my favorite Brits
Jeremy Clarkson. If you're a car nut automotive enthusiast you probably know him. If not, witness his scathing wit. Personal favorites in bold
1. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”
2. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”
3. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”
4. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that’s what gets you.”
5. [On the Porsche Cayman S] “There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.”
6. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
7. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”
8. [On paddle shift automatic gearboxes] “The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around!’”
9. “The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.”
10. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
11. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”
12. [On the Ford GT40] “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”
13. [On the TVR Tuscan 2] “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”
14. [On the TVR Tuscan 2] “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.”
15. [On the Lotus Exige] “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”
16. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
17. “The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.”
18. [Announcing the Top Gear Awards in December 2005] “Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn’t move an inch.
19. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”
20. [On the Corvette Z06] “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”
21. [While playing the video game Gran Turismo] “Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography.”
22. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”
23. “There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.”
24. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”
25. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”
26. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”
27. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
28. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”
29. “The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.”
30. “Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.”
31. “The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.”
32. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”
33. [On cars at a Max Power show) “Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up.”
34. “What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?
35. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”
36. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”
37. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”
38. “It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.”
39. [On Segways] “They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.”
40. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”
41. [On the Koenigsegg CCX] “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”
42. “If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you’ve seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.”
43. “Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!”
44. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”
45. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... being stabbed?”
46. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”
47. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
48. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
1. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”
2. [On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG] “It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”
3. “That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.”
4. “Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that’s what gets you.”
5. [On the Porsche Cayman S] “There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.”
6. “Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
7. [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] “Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?”
8. [On paddle shift automatic gearboxes] “The thing is, it’s a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever… ‘Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power station – I’m a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I’m gonna swap some cogs around!’”
9. “The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.”
10. [On the Porsche Boxster] “It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
11. [On the Enzo Ferrari] “Ferrari is so pleased with it they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car... ‘The Colin.’”
12. [On the Ford GT40] “Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.”
13. [On the TVR Tuscan 2] “It’s supposed to be easier to live with, and easier to drive... so has it worked? Ohh... Oh, my God. No... no... no, no, no. No. No. No, it hasn’t.”
14. [On the TVR Tuscan 2] “You see, my wife loves this car. She loves the noise and the vibrations and the sense of danger and the way that when you over-rev it, the whole dash lights up like a baboon’s backside. Richard Hammond on the other hand, he pretty much hates it. He says it’s too difficult and too complicated and that all the stitching in here looks like the kind of stitching you find when someone’s tried to mend their own shoes.”
15. [On the Lotus Exige] “To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”
16. “Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.”
17. “The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.”
18. [Announcing the Top Gear Awards in December 2005] “Now the best gas guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: the Range Rover Sport which achieved eight miles to the gallon; the Bugatti Veyron which achieved four miles to the gallon; and Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel and didn’t move an inch.
19. [When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel] “When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.”
20. [On the Corvette Z06] “As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”
21. [While playing the video game Gran Turismo] “Aston Martin DB9 – that’s not a racecar, that’s pornography.”
22. “If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.”
23. “There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.”
24. [On Detroit] “God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.”
25. [On the Porsche Cayenne] “I’ve seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!”
26. “A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.”
27. “In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled – usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
28. “I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.”
29. “The Caterham may only have 250bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same... as a J-cloth.”
30. “Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.”
31. “The old Aston Martin DB7 was just a Jag in drag. It was an XJ-S in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB-9) is completely different.”
32. “I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation. I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.”
33. [On cars at a Max Power show) “Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they’ll blow up.”
34. “What did the Morris Marina compete against? Walking? The bus?
35. “Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”
36. “Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.”
37. [On the Renault Clio V6] “I think the problem is that it’s French. It’s a surrendermonkey.”
38. “It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.”
39. [On Segways] “They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.”
40. [On a Chevrolet Corvette] “The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”
41. [On the Koenigsegg CCX] “I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!”
42. “If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you’ve seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.”
43. “Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That’s the equivalent of two pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!”
44. “This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’”
45. “Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... being stabbed?”
46. “I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.”
47. “The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
48. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
A Really Inconvenient Truth
Inconvenient Untruth
There is new evidence of misleading information in Al Gore's Oscar-winning global warming film "An Inconvenient Truth."
ABC News reports one of the most famous shots in the movie — of Antarctic ice shelves — is a fake. The film's visual effects supervisor says the film took the shot from the fictional movie "The Day After Tomorrow," which created it from Styrofoam and scanned it into a computer.
"Yeah, that's our shot," she says. "That's a fully computer-generated shot. There's nothing real in there."
ABC wanted to ask Gore whether it was wrong for a documentary to use a fabricated shot to make a point, but says he did not return their calls.
I can hear it now. "It doesn't matter if the footage is fake! He's trying to make a point you dolt! It speaks to a larger truth even if he's using footage from an alarmist Hollywood thriller."
There is new evidence of misleading information in Al Gore's Oscar-winning global warming film "An Inconvenient Truth."
ABC News reports one of the most famous shots in the movie — of Antarctic ice shelves — is a fake. The film's visual effects supervisor says the film took the shot from the fictional movie "The Day After Tomorrow," which created it from Styrofoam and scanned it into a computer.
"Yeah, that's our shot," she says. "That's a fully computer-generated shot. There's nothing real in there."
ABC wanted to ask Gore whether it was wrong for a documentary to use a fabricated shot to make a point, but says he did not return their calls.
I can hear it now. "It doesn't matter if the footage is fake! He's trying to make a point you dolt! It speaks to a larger truth even if he's using footage from an alarmist Hollywood thriller."
You say LA I say Hell-a
Los Angeles is becoming a "Third World city" with immigrants making up half its workforce, says a new study.
Becoming? Welcome to the party but you're a little late.
A third of immigrants have not graduated from high school and 60 per cent do not speak English fluently, the Migration Policy Institute found.
Let alone the native born anglos who can't speak English properly.
It said this left immigrants ill-equipped to fill California's fastest-growing occupations, such as computer software engineering and nursing. The organisation added that as the so-called baby boomers reach retirement age, a similar pattern will spread across the US.
1. Boomers aren't going to retire any time soon.
2. That pattern will be most pronounced in border states.
Ernesto Cortes Jr, of the Industrial Areas Foundation, a think-tank that specialises on social change, claimed Los Angeles was at a crossroads.
"The question is are we going to be a 21st century city with shared prosperity, or a Third World city with an elite group on top and most on near poverty wages?" he said.
I'm gonna have to go with B. Bill Hicks was ahead of his time.
Poem of the day
Mordred's Lullaby
Heather Dale
Marsh Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,
And carry you down into sleep;
Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,
And carry you down into sleep.
Guile, my son, I'll shape your belief
And you'll always know that your father's a thief
And you won't understand the cause of your grief
But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
(Loyalty...)
Guile, my son, your spirit will hate her:
The flower who married my brother, the traitor;
And you will expose his puppet behavior,
For you are the proof of how he betrayed her.
(Loyalty...)
Marsh Child, the darkness will rise from the deep
And carry you down into sleep,
Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,
And carry you down into sleep.
(Loyalty...)
Guile, my son, each day you'll grow older,
Each moment I'm watching my vengeance unfold:
The child of my body, the flesh of my soul,
Will die and return the birthright he stole.
(Loyalty...)
Marsh Child, the darkness will rise from the deep
And carry you down into sleep,
Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,
And carry you down into sleep.
(Loyalty...)
Heather Dale
Marsh Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,
And carry you down into sleep;
Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,
And carry you down into sleep.
Guile, my son, I'll shape your belief
And you'll always know that your father's a thief
And you won't understand the cause of your grief
But you'll always follow the voices beneath.
(Loyalty...)
Guile, my son, your spirit will hate her:
The flower who married my brother, the traitor;
And you will expose his puppet behavior,
For you are the proof of how he betrayed her.
(Loyalty...)
Marsh Child, the darkness will rise from the deep
And carry you down into sleep,
Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,
And carry you down into sleep.
(Loyalty...)
Guile, my son, each day you'll grow older,
Each moment I'm watching my vengeance unfold:
The child of my body, the flesh of my soul,
Will die and return the birthright he stole.
(Loyalty...)
Marsh Child, the darkness will rise from the deep
And carry you down into sleep,
Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,
And carry you down into sleep.
(Loyalty...)
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Corporate greed
These guys are always raising hue and cry about corporate greed. Somehow they missed this one:
Unable to say exactly how it happened, DFL Senate candidate Al Franken acknowledged Friday that his personal corporation wrongly failed to provide employees with workers' compensation insurance in New York for nearly three years.
According to campaign manager Andy Barr, the accountant for Alan Franken Inc. (AFI) who investigated the case for five weeks was unable to figure out "the exact circumstances that led to the oversight."
However, the accountant "has determined that, in fact, AFI was not in full compliance during the period in question," Barr said in a statement. "Therefore, no further attempt will be made to contest the resolved judgment."
New York state officials said Friday that since Franken had paid the $25,000 court judgment entered against AFI last year, they also considered the matter closed.
Not so state Republican Party Chairman Ron Carey, who said Friday that several questions remain unanswered.
"To this day, Al Franken has remained silent" on a number of issues, Carey said at a state Capitol news conference, including how many people he employed and why he didn't respond sooner to the state of New York.
Labor comes to his defense
Labor unions backing Franken in his bid to challenge Republican incumbent Sen. Norm Coleman came to his defense, saying the DFLer had properly addressed the matter.
"He made a mistake, got it investigated, found out he was wrong and did the remedy. What more can you do?" said Ray Waldron, president of the Minnesota AFL-CIO, which endorsed Franken last week.
Unable to say exactly how it happened, DFL Senate candidate Al Franken acknowledged Friday that his personal corporation wrongly failed to provide employees with workers' compensation insurance in New York for nearly three years.
According to campaign manager Andy Barr, the accountant for Alan Franken Inc. (AFI) who investigated the case for five weeks was unable to figure out "the exact circumstances that led to the oversight."
However, the accountant "has determined that, in fact, AFI was not in full compliance during the period in question," Barr said in a statement. "Therefore, no further attempt will be made to contest the resolved judgment."
New York state officials said Friday that since Franken had paid the $25,000 court judgment entered against AFI last year, they also considered the matter closed.
Not so state Republican Party Chairman Ron Carey, who said Friday that several questions remain unanswered.
"To this day, Al Franken has remained silent" on a number of issues, Carey said at a state Capitol news conference, including how many people he employed and why he didn't respond sooner to the state of New York.
Labor comes to his defense
Labor unions backing Franken in his bid to challenge Republican incumbent Sen. Norm Coleman came to his defense, saying the DFLer had properly addressed the matter.
"He made a mistake, got it investigated, found out he was wrong and did the remedy. What more can you do?" said Ray Waldron, president of the Minnesota AFL-CIO, which endorsed Franken last week.
Why did Romney drop out?
Top 10 Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped out of the race:
No. 10: There weren’t as many Osmonds as he thought.
No. 9: Got tired of the corkscrew landings of his campaign plane while under fire
No. 8: As a lifelong hunter, I didn’t want to miss the start of varmint season.
No. 7: There wasn’t room for two Christian leaders in the presidential race
No. 6: I’d rather get fat, grow a beard and try for the Nobel prize.
No. 5: Got tired of wearing a dark suit and tie, and I wanted to kick back in a light colored suit and tie.
No. 4: When his wife realized he couldn’t win the GOP nomination, my fundraising dried up.
No. 2: I took a bad fall at a campaign rally and broke my hair.
No. 1: His campaign relied on a flawed campaign strategy that as Utah goes, so goes the nation.
h/t: Malkin
No. 10: There weren’t as many Osmonds as he thought.
No. 9: Got tired of the corkscrew landings of his campaign plane while under fire
No. 8: As a lifelong hunter, I didn’t want to miss the start of varmint season.
No. 7: There wasn’t room for two Christian leaders in the presidential race
No. 6: I’d rather get fat, grow a beard and try for the Nobel prize.
No. 5: Got tired of wearing a dark suit and tie, and I wanted to kick back in a light colored suit and tie.
No. 4: When his wife realized he couldn’t win the GOP nomination, my fundraising dried up.
No. 2: I took a bad fall at a campaign rally and broke my hair.
No. 1: His campaign relied on a flawed campaign strategy that as Utah goes, so goes the nation.
h/t: Malkin
Monday, April 21, 2008
War on Nature II
So....
After losing the Battle of Pencader Manor, Mother Nature continues the fight. Friday I had to vacate the Manor for the Battle Bridge* as a play date was imminent. It was a beautiful day so I had the windows open. Zipping along merrily on my way whena wasp Satan's Own Winged Minion entered the cockpit of the Duffmobile. He began his assault and I began defense. I started defense with the standard yelping and swatting. Somehow it didn't occur to me to slow down. Chalk that up to panic. He got me on the palm of my hand. It started to swell and itch almost immediately. Finally I gave one good swat and out the window he went. The upside of not slowing down was that he was very quickly behind me. Ha! You better bring a better air assault than that baby!
Once at the Battle Bridge I logged in and started working. It was cool so I thought I'd sit in the sunroom. I opened the door to the sunroom and was met by volcanic heat that was so voluminous it practically lifted me off the ground. I checked the register and it was showing so high that it wouldn't register. I felt the vent and hot air was blasting out. OK. I switched the system off and...nothing. I look around and see that the pillar candles are listing. They look like a group of drunks trying to hold each other up. There's a bottle of wine in the rack and the cork is halfway pushed out due to the heat. I open the windows and turn on the ceiling fan. If I can't turn it off, maybe I can switch on A/C. Try that and...no change. OK, gotta switch off the breaker. After milling around the basement for 20 minutes looking for it, I give up and call my Father In Law. His cell phone is off. Fine. Back to work and I'll try again later. I check on the room after 20 min. of the windows open the temperature is now down to 99 degrees. The highest the register goes for indoor temps. Finally FIL calls back and directs me to the breaker panel in the garage (!) and I shut off the HVAC for that room.
Saturday:
The Great Lawncare Extravaganza. My parents were in town so it gave me a much needed chance to mow, thatch, weed, feed etc. I started by mowing and my neighbor was kind enough to let me use his riding mower. That would save about 2 hours out of my day. I got it started and went around back. I was going merrily along when I looked behind me and saw that it wasn't cutting. Seems that there is a different lever to engage the blades he forgot to mention. So I had two laps around the track with no blades spinning. My own little go kart ride. Buzzed around and got my lawn all done but had to use the small mower to go over it to pick up the clippings. Also, my garbage company doesn't take grass anymore so I have to compost it. Apparently you need to be a dryad to figure out how. There is nitrogen, newspaper and God knows what else involved. (Anyway I'll update on that one as we go.) So I had to mulch the beds and one bed need to be turned with peat moss. Halfway through my endeavors Mother Nature renewed her personal animus towards me in the form of a very heavy downpour. That soaked everything and started the peat running down the driveway. !@$#!@#$!@#$. Fine. Skies clear, resume as normal. This happened three more times. She finally saw I wasn't going to quit so she did. I even washed the car but in a finally poke in the eye with a sharp stick, she sent a starling to poop on my newly cleaned car. I'll bet you a krugerand it's the same damn bird that is squatting in my grill.
* In-laws house
After losing the Battle of Pencader Manor, Mother Nature continues the fight. Friday I had to vacate the Manor for the Battle Bridge* as a play date was imminent. It was a beautiful day so I had the windows open. Zipping along merrily on my way when
Once at the Battle Bridge I logged in and started working. It was cool so I thought I'd sit in the sunroom. I opened the door to the sunroom and was met by volcanic heat that was so voluminous it practically lifted me off the ground. I checked the register and it was showing so high that it wouldn't register. I felt the vent and hot air was blasting out. OK. I switched the system off and...nothing. I look around and see that the pillar candles are listing. They look like a group of drunks trying to hold each other up. There's a bottle of wine in the rack and the cork is halfway pushed out due to the heat. I open the windows and turn on the ceiling fan. If I can't turn it off, maybe I can switch on A/C. Try that and...no change. OK, gotta switch off the breaker. After milling around the basement for 20 minutes looking for it, I give up and call my Father In Law. His cell phone is off. Fine. Back to work and I'll try again later. I check on the room after 20 min. of the windows open the temperature is now down to 99 degrees. The highest the register goes for indoor temps. Finally FIL calls back and directs me to the breaker panel in the garage (!) and I shut off the HVAC for that room.
Saturday:
The Great Lawncare Extravaganza. My parents were in town so it gave me a much needed chance to mow, thatch, weed, feed etc. I started by mowing and my neighbor was kind enough to let me use his riding mower. That would save about 2 hours out of my day. I got it started and went around back. I was going merrily along when I looked behind me and saw that it wasn't cutting. Seems that there is a different lever to engage the blades he forgot to mention. So I had two laps around the track with no blades spinning. My own little go kart ride. Buzzed around and got my lawn all done but had to use the small mower to go over it to pick up the clippings. Also, my garbage company doesn't take grass anymore so I have to compost it. Apparently you need to be a dryad to figure out how. There is nitrogen, newspaper and God knows what else involved. (Anyway I'll update on that one as we go.) So I had to mulch the beds and one bed need to be turned with peat moss. Halfway through my endeavors Mother Nature renewed her personal animus towards me in the form of a very heavy downpour. That soaked everything and started the peat running down the driveway. !@$#!@#$!@#$. Fine. Skies clear, resume as normal. This happened three more times. She finally saw I wasn't going to quit so she did. I even washed the car but in a finally poke in the eye with a sharp stick, she sent a starling to poop on my newly cleaned car. I'll bet you a krugerand it's the same damn bird that is squatting in my grill.
* In-laws house
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