This is very strange...

I'm an average guy with an average life. I have a few more kids than most but for the most part I'm just an anonymous lumpenprole toiling away in obscurity both professionally and on this blog. To say my life follows a certain routine is like saying "The Hindenburg caught fire." That is to say, technically accurate but wildly understates the truth.

In any event, I just received a call from The Wife. To wit:

"Did you order something?"
"No, why?"
"There's something here for you."
"Uh, box, bag, envelope, singing telegram?"
"It's a box"
"Who's is from?"
"It's from [Name redacted pending confession or further investigation]"
"Who?"
"(repeats name)"
"No idea. Never heard of him."

A quick google search later I find that the sender's return address is in the wilds of northern Pennsylvania. A place I have never visited.

"Open it."
"What? Me? Why don't you open it when you get home?"
"What, you think this is a bomb or something? Who would want to blow me up?"
"Anyone who knows you really?"
"Very nice. Just open it."
"There's no note."
"What's in it?"
"Sam Adams Triple Bock."
"Hmmm...Complete strangers sending me rare and expensive beer unsolicited. My reputation reaches far and wide. I'm hoping this is the beginning of a new trend. People will send me beer for free. That would be awesome."
"Don't you find this very strange?"
"Of course I do. But free beer in the mail is a good kind of strange. Body parts in the mail is the bad kind of strange."

I can tell from her voice she's unnerved by this. Understandably so. I explain that one of two things is likely happening:

1. Someone who knows me personally(that's a short list right there) and who knows that I like Triple Bock (that shortens said list to maybe 4 people not including my wife) couldn't buy it where they live and decided to send it to my by proxy.

2. The sender has the wrong person. They were looking for someone else and somehow got my address and sent it there instead.

3. A random reader of this blog smashed through the pathetic veneer of pseudonymity, Googled me and sent me Triple Bock in appreciation of my excellent work (or perhaps my incessant whining)

I'm leaning toward #1. #2 is possible but unlikely. Duffy is a wildly popular surname in, say, Boston. Less so in Delaware. #3 is a pipedream because this is the other blog that nobody reads and I have the SiteMeter stats to prove it.

More updates as events warrant.


Update:

In the unlikely event that it is #3 herewith are some other things I would like random anonymous people to send me for free:


Virtually anything from here but if I get to pick it'll be Montecristo No. 2 please.)













and, ya know, I'm just sayin'....

Comments

Paul Smith Jr. said…
A wise man once said: "Never look gift beer in the mouth."

And, hey, don't hog all the glory for yourself. I'm also the author of a blog no one reads.
Chainsaw said…
I hope you've chilled the brew, had a few, and haven't labled the package, "RETURN TO SENDER."

You must appease the beer Gods by saying the prayer;

Our lager,
Which art in barrels, hallowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk at home as in the Tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head, and
forgive us our spillages, as we forgive those
who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,but deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,the bitter, and the lager.
Forever and ever.

Barmen
Duffy said…
Return to Sender? Good God man, you think me a rube?
Chainsaw said…
When ya get that big ol' Home Theeyater sent to ya, give us a shout and we'll bring over a sixer of Triple Bock and break it in.
I just read that it's supposed to be served at room temp. (Hmmm, best tote some Bud on ice fer us.)
Paul Smith Jr. said…
What's the Mrs. think about that last wish of yours?
I was wondering the same thing, Paul.

If my old man did that, he'd be in big trouble. I know, they say "Just because I'm married doesn't mean I'm dead."

That's B.S. He'd be dead.
Duffy said…
She laughs about it. She swoons over Big Chief White Teeth (Matt Damon). I get to gawk at Laeticia.
mkfreeberg said…
One of the funniest things I've read in a long time. It deserves to be the post that nobody links.
Paul Smith Jr. said…
Not criticizing your taste in women. Ms. Casta is certainly worthy of such admiration. Been a fan of hers for a while. My now-ex was tolerant, much like your wife, about my fondness for Anna Paquin. Probably, because she knew nothing would ever come of it, even if the opportunity did somehow present itself.

It strikes me, too, that it would be interesting to see you rank your "gifts" in likelihood of actually obtaining them, i.e., would Mademoiselle Casta be more or less likely to a part of your future than the castle complex?
Duffy said…
I think the only attainable one is the Xbox 360. The rest of them are left to people who make way way more money than I do. IIRC, Ms. Casta is either married or otherwise involved with some uber rich guy and has a kid w/ him. To be honest, any woman that good looking is probably a pain in the ass.

The "castle complex" is Hearst Castle in California which will never be for sale unless (or until) California goes broke.
Paul Smith Jr. said…
"No matter how good looking she is, some guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh**."

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