The War Against Nature

This is round two. Round one was last year a minor skirmish in which I vanquished my opponents thoroughly. I didn't think they had the mettle to return to test my resolve but they did. Last year, starlings decided that my grill was a great place to make a happy home. There's a small vent/hole in the side of the grill that I suppose is there to prevent excessive gas buildup or something. Either that or the designers really liked birds and figured the grills that go unused would be excellent housing for homeless (nestless?) birds. I first noticed the infiltration had begun when I was having my morning beverage and looking out over the scenic view endless housing development. I was lost in thought and standing quite still in front of the sliding glass door. I saw a starling alight on the deck rail and give me the hairy eyeball. He had a long strand of cypress grass in his beak and gave me that "whadday ya gonna do about it chump?" look that only starlings can give. With that, he made the short hop to the grill and in he went. Annoyed by the brazen ornithoid's challenge I opened the slider and lifted the grill. Sensing my rising ire, he fled (or flew as it were). The grill was filled with twigs and cypress grass. War then, Roman style. I returned to the kitchen and returned with...matches! Open the valve, healthy amount of gas, add lit match and *FOOOMP*. Up in flames. Pour encourage les autres. I cackled like a mad man and cursed their feathered bodies. I was on the deck railing, shirtless in the middle of my war dance (with accompanying war cry) when my wife arrived on scene.

Mrs. Duffy: "Are you....grilling something?"
Duffy: Yes, mine enemies
Mrs. Duffy: Enemies? It's 7:00 AM what are you talking about
Duffy: Those damn birds are back.
Mrs. Duffy: Here we go again.

Off with the gas, close the grill and get to work. Around 10:30 I take a break for a snack. Downstairs, to the kitchen and son of a.... he's back. He gives me the same look and again, into the grill. Repeat as per 7:00 this morning minus shirtless war dance. I pause, thinking for a moment. They like the grill because it's covered. Safe. Free from the prying deadly eyes of the hawks that live in the nearby state park. The very hawks that have killed their brethren in this very yard. Simple solution: leave the top of the grill up.

1:00 PM I'm back for some lunch. No signs of my friends the starlings. They know they're beat. As I turn to re-enter the kitchen I notice something. A small pile of dirt next to the house. Strange. Dirt on the grass. I get closer and notice a hole. Nature has sent ground troops in the form of a groundhog. Great, now I'm starring in a remake of Caddyshack. No problem. No need to resort to high explosives. Off to Home Depot for a trap. Buy and bait said trap. Three days and nothing. I finally capture my furry friend and he's less than pleased about it. Put the groundhog laden trap in the trunk and off to nearby state park to release him. I put the trap down and wonder if he's going to take exception with his capture when I release him. I can't see any way to open this thing w/o being in close proximity. I throw caution to the wind and open the trap. He eyeballs me for a minute and then bolts. Good riddance.

Return to Pencader Manor now triumphant over Air and Land assaults. Any attack by sea would likely go unnoticed as I am a significant distance away from any body of water and any waterborne creature would be hard pressed to make an attack from such a distance.

36 hours later I notice a small furry animal heading back into the tunnel beside the house. No problem, trap baited and placed as before. This must be the smarter brother because he doesn't take the bait. No problem. I'll put a large galvanized contractor's bucket in each hole (there are two. even nature knows you need more than one way in and out). I jam them down and smile smugly to myself knowing that I'll be rodent free in short order.

The next morning I see two galvanized white contractor buckets rolling around my back lawn. He's upped the ante I see.

I bring out the big gun. The nuclear option of backyard human/rodent warfare. The garden hose. I start to feed the hose down the hole as far as it will go. It's so long I actually have to connect two hoses (!) and I can tell when I'm feeding it, it's not just coiling back on itself. When that's done, I turn on the water. Should be filled in about 20 min.

Half an hour later there's no rising water level in the hole. As far as I can see it's not filling at all. The other hole is similarly dry. Hmmm...Oh crap. This hole is against the foundation wall. Is it flooding the basement. Mad dash to the basement and nothing. Just the dull hissing of the open spigot. Fine. I'll give it another 45 minutes. Tops.

One hour later. No change. Nothing. WTF?

One and one half hour later. Endgame. The tunnel complex has collapsed. I shut the water off and begin removing the hose from the mire of muck where the tunnel was. Pulling and pulling the weight of the collapsed earth makes it very hard to pull. I eventually get it out and survey the damage. The earth next to the house and under the deck has sunk by about 2' - 2.5' in a 40 X 30 ft sq area. Were these rodents trained by the Viet Cong? Seriously. Where did he put all that dirt? There was only a small pile of it outside the opening. Some quick math: 40 X 30 X 2 = 240 ft sq of dirt.

The next day I return and find a small memorial has been erected presumably by other groundhogs to commemorate their valiant struggle against the Oppressive Evil Overlord (that'd be me). A small bronze statue of a very brave looking groundhog has been installed with the inscription

Here lies Woody
Hero of the Battle of Pencader Manor
Held out against all odds that his friends the starlings
could build their nest while dumbass was occupied with the ground assault


Aw crap.

Sure enough, they'd rebuilt the nest while I was turning my back yard into a swamp. Turn on gas, light match, *FOOMP*

I think I'll leave the top of the grill up for a while

Comments

Sorry, that's me just picking myself off the floor. My dad is also fighting a groundhog war. Last time I was afraid he'd resort to blowing up the house because I saw him out front near the groundhog hole with gasoline...but finally resorted to the groundhog/squirrel(oops)/racoon(oops) relocation program.

I read that if you put a bucket of ammonia near the entry/exit of the hole, they don't like that. Also, lettuce is good bait.

Have you considered jerry-rigging some metal screen so the opening of the grill will still work as a grease exit, but not a bird entrance - or do you really like doing your victory dance?
Brian Shields said…
The holes in the grill are for airflow.. fire feeds on oxygen. Wire/screen over it and you'll be fine.

That is unless you get some sick pleasure from setting the nests on fire... lol.

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