compatibility

I've not spoken of this here but Depression, the Black Dog, is something I've struggled with for a very long time.  The last time I was not depressed was when I was deeply in love with a woman who saw me for who I am and loved me anyway.  I have never before or since loved someone so deeply, so completely as I did with her.  Unfortunately, I pushed her away and the pain and the loss are beyond what I could have expected.  I was married for over 20 year and  the loss of that relationship is far beyond any pain or loss I have experienced.

The worst part is that it was my fault.  I cannot blame anyone else and every single day I contend with that loss.

She knows this blog exists but I know she has moved on and does not read this.  I think that makes it easier to be honest.

Knowing her as much as I do, she would likely roll her eyes at the fact that I am still in love with her.  She ended things and I'm quite certain that after that day she never thought of me again.  

That is not easy.  How do you move on when the one you loved, the one you wanted to grow old with just cuts the cord and doesn't care anymore. I was married for 20+ years and the end of that relationship was a blessing.  I was me finally able to be free.  


I met this woman and she saw me in a way that no one else ever had.  She was there for me in a way that no one else in my life had been.  I owe her more than I can even repay.  For that I am eternally grateful.  


All of that said, I miss her so much.  The pain and the loss of her absence leave me so cold.  This is not a thing of "you need to fix me".  No.  I had never known what a true adult relationship was like.  What it meant to be loved, and valued.  


At one point she said she admired me.  That is something no one has ever said.  I squandered that and we ended with her not respecting me and things ended very quickly after that

I miss her every day.  I miss our friendship perhaps most of all.  I wish that could continue but I don't know that I could be friends with someone for whom I still have such deep feelings.  

I think I've given up on romantic relationships.  I had the most amazing woman.  I don't have the words to explain how much I've lost.  It sounds overly dramatic and perhaps it is.  I can't get enough distance to see this objectively yet.  

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