Look, I made a funny

Some ages ago, I received an email from a friend entitled "50 Questions For Men We Want Answered ASAP". I don't know the origin of this list but I answered them and meant to post the answers here. Blow the dust off and see if it makes you laugh.

50 Questions For Men We Want Answered ASAP

1. Did you really think those Super Bowl ads were funny?

Mostly no.

2. Why do you take so long pooping?

I may be the exception. Redirect, your honor? WTF takes you so long in the shower? Don't give me that "shaving my legs crap".

3. Why do you cup your balls so much?

Very comforting somehow. Don't ask me to explain it if you don't have the gear.

4. Bar soap or body wash?

Bar. Body wash is for chicks.

5. Why ask for my number if you’re not going to actually call?

Same reason you give guys a fake one when they ask.

6. Why the mindset that being in a long-term relationship is the end of fun?

Because we know people who are in them.

7. Why are you so convinced that sex is so much more important for you than it is for women?

See above.

8. Do you ever fake orgasms?

No, why would I?

9. Is there such a thing as “too slutty”?

In public? Yes. In private? Hells no.

10. What percentage of your female friends do you want to sleep with?

Not too many. 10 years ago? All of them.

11. Have you cheated? How often?

Never. Not once.

12. Why do you always seem to be drawn to women who are dramatic?

This is the provinence of young men and it's the same reason you women are drawn to assholes and then complain that they're assholes.

13. Hypothetically speaking, do you remember what I was wearing when we first met?

I don't even know what *I'm* wearing now. I'd have to look down to figure it out.

14. How often do you look at porn when your girlfriend isn’t home?

How long is she going to be gone for?

15. What is going through your head when we’re annoyed with you?

Depends on what we're doing. If we're at work, it's running in the background like TeaTimer and taking up a lot of CPU cycles but not producing anything meaningful

16. Do you actually notice when it’s laundry day and we’re wearing old/unattractive panties or do they all look kinda the same to you?

Yes we notice but those panties are like parsely. Push it to the side and start eating.

17. Seriously, isn’t watching six straight hours of football a bit too much?

Not unless you run out of beer.

18. Why do you continue to eat spicy foods if it only makes you feel sick?

For the same reason you love someone who drives you crazy.

19. What makes you think we will go see movies with guns/bombs/explosions if you will not go see rom-coms with us?

Because guns bombs and explosions are exciting. Rom-coms are on par with root canals.

20. If your mother started an argument with me, whose side would you be on?

Publicly, you but privately, depends on whos' right and who's wrong.

21. What do you have against special facial cleansers?

nothing but they're for you, not me.

22. What does it feel like when you fall in love?

It's very distracting and somewhat unnerving.

23. What are you really thinking during sex?

This is AWESOME!

24. What is the one thing you wish girls did in bed that they never do?

Bring a hot friend

25. What do dudes talk about when they are alone?

Sports, cars, beer, guns, politics, hot chicks and dick jokes.

26. Why do you just disappear? If you don’t want to keep dating me, why not just say something?

Less drama. As Mitch Fatel once said, when you try to break up with a women it resembles a trial. There are witnesses and evidence. "You wrote on this card, 'I love you forever' did you not? Were you lying then or are you lying now"?

27. Why won’t you just buy a new pair of shoes?

Because there's nothing wrong with this pair.

28. Why won’t you ask for directions?

A myth. We do. Just not every 2 blocks.

29. What are your expectations of a romantic partner?

Audrey Hepburn in public, Julia Child in the kitchen and Jemma Jameson in the bedroom.

30. Why do you enjoy video games so much?

Because they're competitive and stimulate the brain.

31. Why don’t you ever change the toilet paper roll?

Because you fuckers are always the ones using all the toilet paper.

32. Do you hate it when we ask you to kill the bugs or does it secretly make you feel kind of macho?

Meh. I just see it as something I do.

33. Have you ever slept with a prostitute?

Not ever, not once. I don't even like looking directly at them. Too afraid of hideous STDs.

34. What is my favorite flower? C’mon, surely you’ve been listening.

Tulips.

35. Do you really like the way we taste down there?

Yeah, not answering that one here.

36. If she cheated on you, would you take her back and try to save the relationship? If not, would you expect the same from her?

Ugh. Depends but I don't know if we'd survive that one. Too many hard feelings. Unless we're talking about with a hot chick in which case we're all good so long as I have a video of the event or a front row seat

37. Do you have a hard time if she’s more successful financially?

Nope. Why would I?

38. If a woman gives birth, do you have a hard time seeing her as a sexual partner?

No, you get over that before she does.

39. Why do you want to stick it in our butt so much? Don’t you think about poo?

Forbidden fruit law.

40. If you were with a woman who never let you near her butt, would you be cool with that?

Yes.

41. What’s worse: Marriage or loneliness?

Who says they're mutually exclusive?

42. Do you care if they’re real boobs or fakes?

If I can feel them they're real enough for me.

43. Do you secretly wish we were virgins the first time we slept with you?

Yes and every time thereafter.

44. What does being kicked in the balls really feel like?

Like taking a baseball bat to the gut with the added bonus of nausea.


45. What do you think about when you’re going down on us?

Let's see if I can get her to lift her butt off the bed

46. Does your mom really like me? Do you care?

Yes and yes.

47. How was your first cunnilingus experience?

Awkward for me but effective for her.

48. Have you ever fantasized about one of my friends? A guy?

Yes and is you crazy?

49. Does your dick feel like a dangling appendage when you run?

No. I have to wear special equipment to keep it from knocking out my teeth.


50. Have you ever considered milking the prostate? I’ve heard it’s the jam!

a million times no.

Comments

Paul Smith Jr. said…
#13 made me laugh out loud because I had to look down to see what I was wearing.

On a similar note: I was at a wedding reception on Saturday and saw a woman I hadn't seen in a while. After catching up, she told me she'd missed the wedding and asked what the bridesmaids wore. I gave her a blank look. She asked what color the dresses were. The blank look continued. One of my female cousins was standing nearby and bailed me out.

Apparently, the bridesmaid dresses were black.

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