Getting older

* Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
* It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
* It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
* It takes twice as long to look half as good.
* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
* The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
* The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
* There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
* You are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
* You don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
* You have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
* You wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
* You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
* You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
* You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
* You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
* You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
* You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
* Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn’t breaking any laws.
* Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
* Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
* You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
* It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
* You’re on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does
* You can live without sex but not without glasses.
* You are proud of your lawn mower.
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size

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