The Dark Arts
Just after the Earth cooled and I was in college I was an (nerd alert) IT helpdesk guy for the computer lab. One of the professors who frequently had trouble with his computer would call and would invariably refer to us as being versed in the Dark Arts of technology. I always got a kick out of that and have ever after referred to IT as "The Dark Arts". Besides, it's much more exciting than saying "I work with computers."
I've been in the industry for [redacted] years now and I have some insight for you, the users.
1. Do not act like you know more than the IT guy. You don't and you'll only annoy us by making suggestions about what is wrong.
2. Even if you do know more than we do, don't say so that will annoy us more than if you don't.
3. When you have a problem, you must properly define it for us to fix it. "Nothing is working" is not helpful. "I'm getting an error message" isn't either. What were you doing when it happened? What did the message say? Can you replicate the problem?
4. When you call me with a Severity 1 ticket and tell me that your problem is "stopping all work" and I get there and nobody has the slightest idea what the problem is you are on my shit list
5. When you call me and tell me it's urgent and I get to your desk and you've gone for coffee, you are on my shit list
6. You do not want to be on IT Guy's shit list. We can hurt you more than you ever dreamed and you'll never know.
7. Some of us are rather vindictive.
8. This cuts both ways. Rules are frequently guidelines and our Most Favoritist Users can get around them as a favor. Need an extra software license? Can do but keep it quiet. We don't do this often and if you let others know you're off the MFU list and on the shit list.
9. Working in IT is very frustrating because users think that any two of us are interchangeable. No I cannot fix every system and yes I have to transfer you. Most of the time this is not us passing the buck we usually don't have the access or perhaps the skillset to fix it. IT guys love to fix things so we don't pass things off lightly.
10. Working in IT is frustrating because anything beyond "I work with computers" usually leaves our family and friends glassy-eyed and confused. We really can't explain what we do without Powerpoint or Visio or both.
11. A crisis on your end isn't the same thing as a crisis on my end. There are lots of users and you're not always #1.
12. Yes we will laugh at you behind your back sometimes but this is not done with malice. It merely encapsulates our frustration
13. Our least favorite user is one who knows just enough to be dangerous. That is, someone who thinks they know more than they do.
14. No, I cannot make the dataloads or batches go faster.
15. IT is always underfunded. In my 15 years of time in IT I have worked in exactly one place with full and separate development, test and prod environments
16. Nobody wants to fund a robust infrastructure because it's not their core business but when we lose our production environment everyone complains we're incompetent.
17. Put two IT people together of the same stripe and they'll wax nostalgic about old operating systems
18. Aformentioned nostalgia usually leads to a one upmanship game where each tries to talk about working on older or more obsolete technology. To wit:
Nerd A: Yeah, I remember supporting those Win95 machines. Loved that build
Nerd B: Hell, I remember supporting DOS lans
Nerd A: Well, of course I supported the VAX system...
Nerd B: I started on AS/400
Nerd A: I can code in CICS and IMS
Nerd B: I know Easytrieve
Nerd A: I can use punch cards
Nerd B: I can read punch cards
(Sadly, I created this fictional conversation by listing the most obscure stuff I worked on [except for punch cards which are even before my time])
19. IT guys have long memories. It is much easier to go from Most Favoritist User to the shit list than the other way around.
20. Being an attractive young female will almost always put you at the top of the queue. Moreso if you're single.
More of these as I can think of them. Readers are invited to add their own in the comments.
Genesis of this post is here.
I've been in the industry for [redacted] years now and I have some insight for you, the users.
1. Do not act like you know more than the IT guy. You don't and you'll only annoy us by making suggestions about what is wrong.
2. Even if you do know more than we do, don't say so that will annoy us more than if you don't.
3. When you have a problem, you must properly define it for us to fix it. "Nothing is working" is not helpful. "I'm getting an error message" isn't either. What were you doing when it happened? What did the message say? Can you replicate the problem?
4. When you call me with a Severity 1 ticket and tell me that your problem is "stopping all work" and I get there and nobody has the slightest idea what the problem is you are on my shit list
5. When you call me and tell me it's urgent and I get to your desk and you've gone for coffee, you are on my shit list
6. You do not want to be on IT Guy's shit list. We can hurt you more than you ever dreamed and you'll never know.
7. Some of us are rather vindictive.
8. This cuts both ways. Rules are frequently guidelines and our Most Favoritist Users can get around them as a favor. Need an extra software license? Can do but keep it quiet. We don't do this often and if you let others know you're off the MFU list and on the shit list.
9. Working in IT is very frustrating because users think that any two of us are interchangeable. No I cannot fix every system and yes I have to transfer you. Most of the time this is not us passing the buck we usually don't have the access or perhaps the skillset to fix it. IT guys love to fix things so we don't pass things off lightly.
10. Working in IT is frustrating because anything beyond "I work with computers" usually leaves our family and friends glassy-eyed and confused. We really can't explain what we do without Powerpoint or Visio or both.
11. A crisis on your end isn't the same thing as a crisis on my end. There are lots of users and you're not always #1.
12. Yes we will laugh at you behind your back sometimes but this is not done with malice. It merely encapsulates our frustration
13. Our least favorite user is one who knows just enough to be dangerous. That is, someone who thinks they know more than they do.
14. No, I cannot make the dataloads or batches go faster.
15. IT is always underfunded. In my 15 years of time in IT I have worked in exactly one place with full and separate development, test and prod environments
16. Nobody wants to fund a robust infrastructure because it's not their core business but when we lose our production environment everyone complains we're incompetent.
17. Put two IT people together of the same stripe and they'll wax nostalgic about old operating systems
18. Aformentioned nostalgia usually leads to a one upmanship game where each tries to talk about working on older or more obsolete technology. To wit:
Nerd A: Yeah, I remember supporting those Win95 machines. Loved that build
Nerd B: Hell, I remember supporting DOS lans
Nerd A: Well, of course I supported the VAX system...
Nerd B: I started on AS/400
Nerd A: I can code in CICS and IMS
Nerd B: I know Easytrieve
Nerd A: I can use punch cards
Nerd B: I can read punch cards
(Sadly, I created this fictional conversation by listing the most obscure stuff I worked on [except for punch cards which are even before my time])
19. IT guys have long memories. It is much easier to go from Most Favoritist User to the shit list than the other way around.
20. Being an attractive young female will almost always put you at the top of the queue. Moreso if you're single.
More of these as I can think of them. Readers are invited to add their own in the comments.
Genesis of this post is here.
Comments
I always tell people, "I don't piss off the person who controls my Internet access."
9. Working in IT is very frustrating because users think that any two of us are interchangeable. No I cannot fix every system and yes I have to transfer you. Most of the time this is not us passing the buck we usually don't have the access or perhaps the skillset to fix it. IT guys love to fix things so we don't pass things off lightly.
I can't tell you the number of times I've had to say "I'm software, not hardware." Also, I do firmly believe that networking is a dark art.
11. A crisis on your end isn't the same thing as a crisis on my end. There are lots of users and you're not always #1.
I've been on both sides of this one.
15. IT is always underfunded. In my 15 years of time in IT I have worked in exactly one place with full and separate development, test and prod environments
Very true, I've learned I often have to settle for (at best) separate test and prod environments. The worst case I've seen was where the only database was the production database. My heart stopped for a second when I was told that.
I'd add:
21. If I've asked you test something, and you didn't, it's not a priority to fix it if it goes to production and causes an issue.
22. Words that send a chill down my spine: "Can you just make this change in production now? No need to test."
There, that one's short and sweet. The next one isn't. But it's the Big Kahuna...
Do not under any circumstances BRAG about not knowing anything about computers. YES, it is BRAGGING. If it wasn't bragging, there'd be no need to draaaaaaaw out the sylllaaaaaaaabbbllleeess...oh yes, I don't know ANYTHEEEEEEEEEENG about comPYOOOOOOOOOOOOTEEEERS...
Yes, it is bragging. It is taking solance and refuge in the "fact" that people who don't know anything about computers are inherently superior to people who do. Ah, it must be true. All the movies and television shows have it that way. The guy that cracks the passwords and looks stuff up in the databases has thick glasses and stringy hair, if he has hair at all, AND is overweight, probably smells bad, forget about him ever getting a date -- while the Guy Pearce or Benjamin Bratt or Daniel-Day Lewis or Bruce Willis, knows all the "cool" stuff like martial arts and how to fly a jet fighter plane.
To say it's insulting, is to insult insulting things.
Am I reading too much into it? I think not. So no. DON'T brag about being computer ignorant. We don't find it flattering, because it isn't.
Oh and another good short one: Service levels vary with my mood, and your attitude.
Another short one: YES. You need to move because it hurts my back to reach the keyboard with you monopolizing the space. And YES. I'm going to type crap in so fast you won't be able to see me do it. And NO, when I'm gone you won't be able to do it yourself. Why? Because it's a password, you dolt. Now move outta the way.
I especially like #9, “Working in IT is very frustrating because users think that any two of us are interchangeable.” My department is Information Services which deals with databases, SQL Server, etc. Information Technology deals with the network and all hardware. Neither of us has a clue about what the other does, yet I will invariably be walking by someone’s desk and they will ask me about a printer problem to which I just shrug my shoulders. The technology dudes start talking about routers and my eyes glaze over. I talk about infinite loops and they think I’m loopy.
Another one to add to your list, (and I got concurrence from an IT dude on this).
#666: If there is an application issue and you are a programmer, it is always a network problem. If you are the Network Administrator, it is always a data problem.
Algol
Basic.
Cards.
KSR-11
Dec-10
Digital Research
CPM - Computer program for micro-computers.
200 - 800 - 1600 BPI tape.
Pen and Ink plotters.
Magnetic Memory.
History...
- Paul