In the Presence of Mine Enemies

(With apologies to Mr. Ayers for the hyperbole)

An event filled weekend. First of all, I did something that I rarely do. I went out for the evening. I'm something of a homebody largely because my job and my kids pretty much run me into the ground by the time the weekend rolls around. I do go out once in a while with friends or dinner with the wife but those are rather infrequent. On Saturday I was invited to a beer tasting. That's enough to get me motivated and out of the house for once. The twist here is that the host of said beer tasting was hosted by Don Viti (Yes I know I'm breaking my own rule but more on that in a moment).

My trip to the Fever Swamp of Delaware Liberalism DV's house started with this guy bringing my trip to a halt. I saw the car in the woods and knew that whoever was in that car was in pretty bad shape. Good thing I don't believe in omens.

I follow ever faithful Google Maps to find the house and turn into the driveway. I park and walk, with some trepidation, to the door. I knock but the number of voices inside tell me nobody is going to hear me. I open the door and go in. I'm greeted by a jovial fellow who introduces himself as DonViti. I pause and can't help but smile and introduce myself. I daresay he was a little surprised. I deposited my contribution next to the others. DV and I chatted briefly and then he was off to attend to his other guests as well as other logistical matters. I chatted with some of the regular attendees and frankly I don't remember anybody's name. I did meet Karmic Jay as well as Dorian Gray. I also met Mrs. Viti and Mrs. Gray. Both were preternaturally nice (and frankly way too good looking for their respective husbands.) The crowd was striking in its diversity. I wouldn't have been surprised to see an eskimo with a harpoon and parka. Hipsters abounded and one of them had to be ironic and brought PBR. Yes, that PBR to a beer tasting. I dispair. Naturally, the rep from Victory didn't come so they press-ganged a regular wine enthusiast into speaking. A nice enough guy but he was clearly not a beer guy. He started off with by telling the attendees that the first beer was a lager (so far, so good) which was top fermented. Sorry, do not pass Go and do not collect $200. I figured he could use some help after that. He broke for a minute to let people taste the beer and when he was reading the sheet on the next beer I mentioned it was an IPA and said he might want to mention the origin of the style. He was very grateful for the help and asked what else he should say. I gave him a few points and he bravely went back out to talk about the next beer.

I know I probably sound like some pain in the ass know it all which is frankly not far off the mark especially where beer is concerned. I'm something of a beer evangelist. I frequently have to restrain myself from giving mini-beer education classes to people I meet. One woman standing behind me said "I don't like beer." An innocuous statement but something that I take as something close to a personal affront. I've met people who say that and I've converted all of them. I guarantee I can find a beer to suit your taste no matter what. I was going to say something but managed to somehow restrain myself as I was also busy with my follically impaired speaker who was introducing the next beer. A Belgian style ale. I gave him the briefs; cane sugar, triple fermentation, higher malt content and high alcohol. Off he went. This continued on until we were done with each of the beers and then things broke up and people began seizing the remaining beer like fratboys looting a liquor store. I was perhaps overoptimistically expecting a more technical affair where I'd be able to ask about hop choice and yeast strains but I suppose it's better it didn't go that was as the crowd seemed more intent of entertainment than education. That's not a knock or a complaint. It was more relaxed this way and given the size of the group I'm not sure it was realistic to expect otherwise. My only regret is that I have yet to meet other DE beer snobs like me where I can get that sort of thing. The search continues.

I managed to speak to DV and Dorian later (DV introduced me). Where DV is demonstrative and animated, Dorian is more sedate and almost pensive. Somehow we (Dorian and I) started talking about politics (go figure) and about two sentences in I was branded as a Michigan Militia member. No, he wasn't serious. He has a hyperbolic sense of humor which while frustrating was pretty funny. We found some sort of common ground in our 5 minute back and forth and left it at that. We mostly agreed to disagree without being disagreeable. The evening wound down and I thanked DV and Mrs. Viti for their hospitality and headed out. It was more fun than I expected especially considering I literally didn't know anyone, not even the host.

Sunday came early and I was going about our routine of refereeing toy disputes, laundry and the like. Around 10 AM I was in the kitchen and smelled....smoke! I frantically wheel about looking for the source. The dishwasher. OK, no problem. It smelled like burning plastic which means something fell onto the heating element. I open the door and steam comes out. No plastic on the element. In fact....it's not really that hot. I close the door and see smoke coming from the vent in the door. Not steam, smoke. Yech. Now the whole kitchen smells like burning plastic. Open the windows and turn on the fan over the stove. Somehow the dishwasher has burned itself out. Fantastic. The damn thing is only 6 years old. Check the manual....5 year warranty. #@$$#@$#@^$#$#^#%&!!!!

Off to the grocery store for paper plates and cups and other essentials. Several hundred dollars later I leave the store with a motorcade of carts that requires a DEPD traffic detail just to get me through the parking lot. OK, maybe not that much stuff but it was a lot.

Back home, unpack groceries and then I have to replace the sliding glass door with my Father in Law. He's a contractor so I basically do what I'm told. The door is, of course, the wrong door. It's left address when it needs to be right. That means, take the door out of the frame, turn is upside down and re-insert. Once that's done we realize the wheels are in backwards so it's door out, wheels off, turn them around, back on and door back in.

Once that's done we now need a new header b/c the frame on the new door is shorter than the old one. The nail fin is different. Lady Luck smiles on me as I have some extra lumber to fit. Once that's done it Tyvek, siding and now the J channel is short. Screw it. I'm not going to Home Depot for a damn J Channel on a Sunday. I break down the frame and carry it to the curb. The old door remains as a warning to the new one what will happen if he doesn't perform as required.