You might be a Leftist if....
You believe John Ashcroft poses a greater danger to America than Osama bin Laden
You think President Bush lied to the nation but his predecessor did not.
You believe President Bush is too dumb to be President and Arnold Schwarzenegger is too dumb to be Governor of California, but the Dixie Chicks, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Eddie Vedder and Jeanine Garofalo are qualified to discourse at length on foreign policy.
You believe all conservatives are racist, but do not think minorities can ever succeed without Affirmative Action.
You can't decide which is worse: the Patriot Act or the Patriot Missile.
You believe Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong Il, and Yasser Arafat were fairly and democratically elected, but President Bush was not.
You root for prisoners when they escape from our oppressive prisons, but oppose allowing poor children to escape from failing public schools.
You support every kind of "diversity" on campus, except political orientation.
You support banning the smoking of tobacco and legalizing marijuana.
You are enraged by the so-called mistreatment of Muslim prisoners (who have gained weight while dining on their specially prepared Koran-approved meals) at Guantanamo Bay, but believe the world should have stood idly by while Saddam Hussein filled mass graves.
You have found where the right to an abortion is written in the Constitution but cannot find where the Constitution provides for a right to keep and bear arms.
You support campus speech codes that ban pick-up lines and amorous gazes, but never spoke out against President Clinton's physical sexual harassment in the White House.
You applauded Jimmy Carter for talking about human rights in foreign policy but opposed George W. Bush for doing something about human rights.
You believe that trial lawyers taking 33 to 40 percent of a plaintiff's recovery in lawsuits is just about right, but the federal government taking this amount of our income in taxes is not nearly enough.
You believe the former Governor of a New England state with 608,827 people is more than adequately experienced to be President in 2004, but the Governor of a Southwestern state with 21,325,018 people was completely unprepared in 2000.
You agree with Toni Morrison that President Clinton was "the first black President," but didn't criticize Al Sharpton for recently labeling President Bush a "gang leader."
You believe we could get more truth out of the Pentagon if only Don Rumsfeld were replaced by Mohammed Al-Sahhaf.
You believe evangelical Christians are destroying America but don't feel threatened by the radical Wahabbi sect of Islam.
When it comes to violent crime, you believe in hating the crime but loving the criminal.
You support unlimited appeals for convicted criminals, but believe it is undemocratic for Californians to reverse their earlier mistake of electing Gray Davis.
You believe U.S. exports of genetically modified foods pose a greater threat to African nations than corrupt dictators like Zimbabwe's Mugabe.
You believe welfare is a fundamental human right and workfare is a human rights violation.
You believe religion is a scourge on our society, but becoming one with Mother Nature by merging with the universal consciousness and harmonizing with lunar reverberations will save us.
You believe President Bush is an environmental criminal for poisoning the water with arsenic, but have never complained about Saddam Hussein's devastating Iraq and Kuwait's environment by setting intentional oil well fires and committing genocide against the Marsh Arabs by draining their wetlands.
Your car sports the bumper sticker saying that "it will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the military has to hold bake sales," but oppose allowing the U.S. military to volunteer recruitment tables on college campuses because of their "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.
If the above has successfully profiled you, congratulations! You have won a one-way ticket to Paris aboard the massive cruise ship, "The U.S.S.R. Michael Moore." Your ticket will be held at the nearest Dennis Kucinich for President rally. Matricular consular ID cards issued by foreign governments will be gladly accepted as identification.
You Might Be A Conservative...
You might be a conservative if...
· You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
· You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two."
· You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
· You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
· You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
· You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
· You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
· The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
· You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
· You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
· You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
· You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
· You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
· You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
· You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
· You answer to "The Man."
· You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
· You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
· You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you suspect Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
· You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
· You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
· You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
· When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
· You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
· You think Birkenstok was that radical rock concert in 1969.
· You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
· Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
· You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
· You've ever said "civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties."
· You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
· You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
· You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
· You've ever called education a luxury.
· You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
· You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
· You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
· You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
· You're afraid of the "liberal media."
· You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
· You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
· You think all artists are gay.
· You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
· You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
· You confuse Lenin with Lennon.