Some humor for a monday:
Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off a cliff?
She was wearing mittens!
An angry woman walks up to the golf course attendant and says, "I just got stung by a bee right between the first and second holes!"
The attendant says, "Well Ma'am, I'd reccomend you narrow your stance a bit."
The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home."
The drunk leaves again.
Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough."
Again, the drunk leaves.
Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter
with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"
One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk." The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it.
After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay." The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye. The bartender, by now was really mad.
After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar." The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why. The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
A man walks in a bar wit a crocodile. He says: watch this.
He puts its manhood in the mouth of the crocodile and starts hitting the crocodile on its head. He takes out his thing and says: Who wants to try and make 50 bucks??
So an old lady comes up and says: I will, but don't hit me on the head that hard...
So two atoms walk out of a bar.
One of the atoms says, "I gotta go back in. I left an electron in there."
The other atom says, "You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. the bartender says "hey buddy, what's with the steering wheel", and the pirate goes "arrrgg, it's drivin me nuts."
Duck walks into a bar. Jumps up onto the barstool. Says to the bartender "You got any bread?"
Bartender says, "Look, we don't have bread and we dont serve ducks. Now get out!"
Next day, duck walks into the bar, jumps up onto the stool. Says to the bartender "You got any bread?"
Bartender says "I told you duck, we dont serve ducks and we don't have bread."
Next day, same thing. Duck jumps on the barstool, says to the bartender "You got any bread?"
Bartender says "Look here duck. If you come back here asking for bread one more time, I'm gonna nail your bill to the counter."
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and jumps up ont the barstool. He says to the bartender "Got any nails?"
Bartender says "No."
The duck says "You got any bread?"
Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off a cliff?
She was wearing mittens!
An angry woman walks up to the golf course attendant and says, "I just got stung by a bee right between the first and second holes!"
The attendant says, "Well Ma'am, I'd reccomend you narrow your stance a bit."
The drunk leaves the bar. Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through the back door. The bartender tells him, "I told you to go home, I'm not serving you anything more, you've had enough, now go home."
The drunk leaves again.
Ten minutes later the drunk comes back in through a side door. Again, the bartender tells him, "Man, I told you, you're wasted. I'm not serving you anymore, now go home, you've had enough."
Again, the drunk leaves.
Fifteen minutes later the drunk comes back through another side door. The bartender says, "What the hell is the matter
with you? I keep telling you, you've had enough already, and I'm not going to serve you anymore, now go home!"
The drunk looks up at the bartender and asks, "How many places do you work at?"
One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk." The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it.
After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay." The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye. The bartender, by now was really mad.
After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar." The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why. The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
A man walks in a bar wit a crocodile. He says: watch this.
He puts its manhood in the mouth of the crocodile and starts hitting the crocodile on its head. He takes out his thing and says: Who wants to try and make 50 bucks??
So an old lady comes up and says: I will, but don't hit me on the head that hard...
So two atoms walk out of a bar.
One of the atoms says, "I gotta go back in. I left an electron in there."
The other atom says, "You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. the bartender says "hey buddy, what's with the steering wheel", and the pirate goes "arrrgg, it's drivin me nuts."
Duck walks into a bar. Jumps up onto the barstool. Says to the bartender "You got any bread?"
Bartender says, "Look, we don't have bread and we dont serve ducks. Now get out!"
Next day, duck walks into the bar, jumps up onto the stool. Says to the bartender "You got any bread?"
Bartender says "I told you duck, we dont serve ducks and we don't have bread."
Next day, same thing. Duck jumps on the barstool, says to the bartender "You got any bread?"
Bartender says "Look here duck. If you come back here asking for bread one more time, I'm gonna nail your bill to the counter."
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and jumps up ont the barstool. He says to the bartender "Got any nails?"
Bartender says "No."
The duck says "You got any bread?"
Comments