The Last Ephor

My eldest son is profoundly autistic and non-verbal.   He is largely unable to comply with many medical procedures.   Dental is one of the hardest.   He doesn't understand the poking and prodding and its overwhelming.  As a result, he has to wait 3 years or so for dental exams.  That requires a hospital setting and anethesia in order to get the job done.    I'm in the waiting room now at Wilmington Hospital and he's getting whatever work done that he needs.  We literally don't know until its over what is required.   One of the hardest parts is that we cannot make him understand why we're here and what's going on.  He generally has a hard time waiting and that is exacerbated by the hospital setting.  He will put up with the basics like height, weight and blood pressure.   There is however, a countdown timer running in his head for when he decides this is all over and he's going home.   At 6'2" ...

 Its been a few months now but the pain has barely faded at all.  Most of the time I'm able to distract myself and not think about it but sometimes life has other plans.   I was listening to Spotify and it added a song to my playlist that I hadn't heard before.  Its called Stick Season by Noah Kahan of whom I've never heard.  It's an earworm about a man who lost a woman he loved by his own mistakes.  To say it hit close to home would be an understatement.  I'm trying to navigate my way through this and its not easy.  The irony of being struck in a relationship where I was miserable and I couldn't get out it fast enough and my ex who spent a year trying to pull me back in then going to a relationship that was actually healthy and the best one I've ever had only to lose it borders on cosmic cruelty.  I would be cruel were I not to blame.   A few of the lyrics were so poignant and heartfelt and resonated with me so strongly that I...

I've not spoken of this here but Depression, the Black Dog, is something I've struggled with for a very long time.  The last time I was not depressed was when I was deeply in love with a woman who saw me for who I am and loved me anyway.  I have never before or since loved someone so deeply, so completely as I did with her.  Unfortunately, I pushed her away and the pain and the loss are beyond what I could have expected.  I was married for over 20 year and  the loss of that relationship is far beyond any pain or loss I have experienced. The worst part is that it was my fault.  I cannot blame anyone else and every single day I contend with that loss. She knows this blog exists but I know she has moved on and does not read this.  I think that makes it easier to be honest. Knowing her as much as I do, she would likely roll her eyes at the fact that I am still in love with her.  She ended things and I'm quite certain that after that day she never thou...

 So i received a message that my blog was made public after being private for quite some time.  I did not change anything and wasn't planning on making things public but I guess here we are.  Perhaps Divine Providence is telling me to write and keep it open to the world.  Either that or just an error of technology and that's that/

 The trip from "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" to "I don't see why we can't still be friends" was a short one.   The worst part is that out last conversation ended with "I guess I need more time" then nothing then a text message saying we can still be friends.   I'm so sad.  I don't want this to end and its harder knowing that it was my fault.  I don't think I'm cut out for a relationship.  I feel like a fool.

 Donald Trump has now been shot once and came very close to being shot again.  During the presidential debate Harris said Trump is a threat to democracy and will be a dictator on day one.  I have not seen one mainstream outlet say anything about those statements and whether an unhinged person might do something dangerous based on such rhetoric. Instead, CNN has decided the storyline is that Trumps is to blame for his own shooting: https://twitter.com/CurtisHouck/status/1835416101611589931?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1835416101611589931%7Ctwgr%5Ea62a556a9d223f4cd78066f68b92023b2ee66630%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Ffeedly.com%2Fi%2Fmy If he would stop saying things people didn't like he wouldn't get shot I suppose.  I'm not going to draw any parallels to how women dress and whether that sends the wrong message to bad people.  I have it on good authority from my left leaning friends that only one side is engaging in hateful and/o...

 I really enjoy Jimmy Dore's show.  If you don't watch it, you probably should.  He's a funny guy and his politics usually don't align with mine.  But I think he's honest and has no problem calling bullshit.   Here's a very interesting video he found of JFK's assassination.  I've never seen this footage before and while he may or may not be right this is very strange: I wonder if they ever interviewed that agent.  

 This video  is remarkable.   His own family is saying "whatever time they have left" indicating that they think he's dying?  That is astonishing.  He also says Biden's health is a factor in his withdrawal. If the above is true, this man is unable to run the country.  He should not be in office.  Period. We have a significant number of people in DC who have been telling us, until very recently, that Joe is absolutely on task and the best, most cogent version of himself ever.  Within days of the debate they are all reversing themselves.  They either have to explain how he could have possibly deteriorated that quickly or how they didn't know.  Or, they knew and they lied.  There are no good answers here. How on earth is he unable to run for re-election but absolutely able to do the toughest job in the world?

 We are living in the weirdest of times.  Way stranger than fiction and frankly, if I was reading this in a novel, I'd have put it down as it's too hard to believe. Alex Berenson is a journalist I respect.  That's a very short list and I like him because like Glen Greenwald, he's left leaning and utterly honest.  He has zero problem taking his own to task when they're wrong and that, to me, is someone worth listening to.   I have near zero time for most of the Fox News crowd because they are hyperbolic, uncharitable and frankly boring.   That said... Read this article from Mr. Berenson and see if any of this seem strange to you.   My tin foil hat is ever tighter.  

 Ok, so I'm going to try writing again as an attempt to hash out some things that I think about but haven't given enough effort to untangle.  This is largely based on conversations I have with a left wing person whom I greatly respect and has been good enough to challenge me and my ideas in a most respectful manner.  I find that in our conversations I'm falling short of what I want to say in a coherent manner.  Perhaps I can do that here.   Here's hoping

 Many moons ago, I started reading blogs and shortly thereafter I started reading them.  I became discouraged because I read many writers, far more talented than me and the ease with which they elucidated the very points I wanted to make but so much more elegantly and completely that I just gave up.    Gerard of American Digest was one such writer.  His facility with prose and his ability to evoke emotion was remarkable.  I linked to him once with my nascent blog and he was kind enough to reach out to me and thank me for the link.  I literally had zero readers.  Just like now.  But that was the measure of the man.  He took the time to reach out to me and genuinely thank me for the link.   The closest I ever had to meeting the man was meeting Morgan in person.  Morgan and Gerard were friends.  They had an evident mutual respect for their respective works.   I never met Gerard, didn't know the man personally b...

 Its very strange to me to see some sort of weird binary set up where you have to be either Pro Ukraine or Pro Russia.  You are perceived as either Pro Nazi or Pro Putin/Pro Invasion depending on what your detractors think of you.  Frankly, I'm not sure where I land on this one.  The Nazi thing is more complicated than people realize.  I've read something online (which means it must be true?) that the Nazi imagery goes back to WWII era when the Soviets were very enthusiastically killing Ukrainians and the Nazis were actually stopping them from doing so.  Ukrainians decided to join the Nazis to stop the slaughter.  So it may be this is not really about racial purity or Nazism per se but about countering Soviet aggression.  Is this true?  I don't know but it's possible.   On the other side you have Russians who think the Ukrainians are indeed Nazis and therefore dangerous and need clearing out or this is a convenient fig leaf for re-e...

 Here's an interesting breakdown of how advertising works and the psychology behind it. This one by Dennis Prager, explains why we're all becoming " Good Germans ".   American Thinker has a very long piece from eyewitnesses that describe what happened at the capitol .  I'm sure the article is truthful but there's no way it can be comprehensive of definitive.   Short post.  Hope to have more soon.

     Much has happened since I've been gone.  Not least of all with politics and my views on politics and economics.  I was (and in a way remain) libertarian.  I first registered as a Libertarian when I moved to Delaware in the late 90's.  I think it had a lot to do with my views on liberty and dissatisfaction with the state of the Republican party which was my previous political home.  I firmly believed that greed was a more powerful force than almost everything else and pursuing that greed would lead to people, companies and even countries to put aside their petty squabbling and all go along to get along.  We'd be able to farm out our basic manufacturing (or undesirable manufacturing) to developing nations.  They'd be fat, dumb and happy.  Making money would make them comfortable and prosperous and it would usher in a new age of trade and peace.  I could not have been more wrong.      As we've seen with Holly...

So, I was just looking at the stats page and I learned a few things.  First, that I'd reach more people if I gave up blogging and went back to yelling at people on street corners and public parks.  (I'd probably get more feedback too).  Second, the search results that bring people here are as follows: Search Keywords Entry Pageviews graphs on school uniforms 89 firststate.blogspot.com 85 project management funny 73 candid camera gone wrong 72 funny pictures 48 "how to punch people" 40 funny graphs 40 I have so many questions.  What does "graphs on school uniforms" even mean?  Like sales projections?  Are you looking to see actual graphs painted on the uniforms?  This is my ALL TIME high search item.  How?  How am I, in any way, related to suc...

Maybe.  I'm not sure.  I feel like I have something to say even though I know no one is really listening.   Blogs are dead and Twitter killed them.  I know.  We're in a 140 character world and I'm not doing that.  I first heard about Twitter when it launched and I was intrigued.  Now I think its shallow, vapid and far, far worse than the blogosphere ever was at its nadir.  I'll stay here and grind it out in The Outer Darkness of the internet.  I've never garnered a following worth anything and for good reason.  My content has mostly been half assed and dashed off stuff like this.  If you're reading this, I'm wondering why.  Anyway.  I've been thinking about this for a long time and the reason I could never really get any traction here is that in order to do so I'd have to have some exceptional insight into politics (I rarely do.  If ever) or I'd have to tell a compelling personal story.  I'm too much of a ...

“If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude than the animated contest of freedom - go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains sit lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen!” ~ Samuel Adams ~

Then out spake brave Horatius,   The Captain of the gate: “To every man upon this earth   Death cometh soon or late.    And how can man die better   Than facing fearful odds For the ashes of his fathers   And the temples of his gods, Horatius at the Bridge Thomas Babington, Lord Macaulay (1800–1859)

Obamacare's Big Thinkers Forgot to Bring in the Doers - Bloomberg : "The yawning gap between what the IT people knew and what everyone else seems to have realized is staggering. Now, I’ve worked on some projects in which the business units seemed to have some sort of selective deafness that only materialized when we tried to tell them that they couldn’t have their magic fairy computer system that did everything they could imagine, only better, in the three months they wanted it to take, or for the paltry sum that they were willing to spend. And I learned the hard way not to assume that the business units, or even the chief information officer, had heard and understood what you said. That is how I became gifted in the art of writing CYA memos when I was directed to do the unwise or the impossible. " 'via Blog this'

Today's the day. Nine years gone and the rest of our lives to go. This blog honors Sean Thomas Lugano I knew Sean casually. We went to college together and were on the rugby team together. He was much better than I was. He was very fast and much stronger than he looked. Sean was one of those guys who was reserved but very funny. He wasn't one of those guys who garnered attention by being outrageous or demonstrative. He was just there, always with a smile and quick with a laugh or a joke. He took a lot of flack in college because of his modeling career. He used to model to make money for college and the idea of a rugby player being a model seemed absurd. The only commercial I ever saw him in was for The Gap and ironically, he was playing rugby in the commercial. That seemed to redeem him somewhat in the eyes of his teammates and we didn't rib him much after that. I didn't know Sean well enough to keep in touch with him after college. Occasionally, I'd see ...