So many come and go. So many friends that were going to be around forever are gone. Time and tide carry them away. I think of some of them sometimes. Especially the ones I miss. Where are they? What are they doing? How are they doing? Do they have kids? Are they happy? Sometimes its merely curiosity other times it's something more but what, I can't say.
Life is something of a minefield. Everything looks perfectly safe ahead and wide open. No detours necessary. Trouble always lurks beneath the surface. Safer to turn this way or that. Those choices and inevitabilities (if you believe such a thing) block our path from certain things for good or ill.
I think having an autistic child has put a gulf between me and most people I know. My life is filled with things that people with typical kids will never understand. I don't really expect them to, but I want them to recognize that they don't understand and not simply dismiss it. One of the phrases I use to explain this comes from golf. When speaking about Tiger Woods he said, “He’s playing a game I don’t understand, and I’m playing a game he doesn’t understand.” My version is that I’m living a life most people around me don’t understand and vice versa. I think one prime difficulty is that autism has no outward signs whatsoever. Everything appears to be perfectly normal. They don’t know about things like 2+ hour screaming tantrums for no apparent reason. Your son waking up at 2:00 AM for the day. Not just awake but bouncing off the walls awake. The idea that you have to plan your life around taking care of your son not just for the rest of your life, but his. I lean heavily on the notion that his brothers will look after him when we’re gone. I have to. If they don’t who will? My parents are getting older and they’ll be long gone when I go (maybe not, you never know). Likewise my in-laws.
My brothers have their own lives. Rich could do it but his wife would never ever go for it. It would disturb her perfect life. Ryan is completely unequipped to handle it. He can hardly handle typical kids let alone a special needs child. That’s not an indictment; he just lives a very different life. He’s single and lives in a city. I’m a married guy who lives in the ‘burbs. I don’t go out, I have no social life to speak of. I simply don’t have the time. Once in a great while I go out for a beer with my Dad or dinner with my wife but that is rare. Honestly, I don’t really miss going out all that much. Occasionally I’ll get the yen to go see live music or something but for the most part, “going out” for me means dinner. I’d much rather have a few friends over for some wine and conversation. I used to like going to the movies but the local theater is dreadful, small over priced and 80% teenagers. No. Thank. You. Combine that with the fact that most movies in wide release suck. Case in point: Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. Now I haven’t seen the film but I feel perfectly confident it sucks. Hard.
Part of this is just getting older I guess. The shine of the bar scene doesn’t do much for me. It’s not that I don’t like going, but it’s about who you go with. I find the local pubs have good staff that are knowledgeable and friendly. They’re usually up for some conversation if it’s not crowded. I have a hard time picking a “local” as the Brits like to say. Simply because of proximity. Personally, I’d love it if they put a pub within walking distance of my house. I’d be up for a beer and a nice walk at night. Saves me the trouble of having to worry about driving and such. You still with me? Really? This post is simply random babbling and really horrible but I can’t be bothered to edit it now. Call it stream of consciousness.
Life is something of a minefield. Everything looks perfectly safe ahead and wide open. No detours necessary. Trouble always lurks beneath the surface. Safer to turn this way or that. Those choices and inevitabilities (if you believe such a thing) block our path from certain things for good or ill.
I think having an autistic child has put a gulf between me and most people I know. My life is filled with things that people with typical kids will never understand. I don't really expect them to, but I want them to recognize that they don't understand and not simply dismiss it. One of the phrases I use to explain this comes from golf. When speaking about Tiger Woods he said, “He’s playing a game I don’t understand, and I’m playing a game he doesn’t understand.” My version is that I’m living a life most people around me don’t understand and vice versa. I think one prime difficulty is that autism has no outward signs whatsoever. Everything appears to be perfectly normal. They don’t know about things like 2+ hour screaming tantrums for no apparent reason. Your son waking up at 2:00 AM for the day. Not just awake but bouncing off the walls awake. The idea that you have to plan your life around taking care of your son not just for the rest of your life, but his. I lean heavily on the notion that his brothers will look after him when we’re gone. I have to. If they don’t who will? My parents are getting older and they’ll be long gone when I go (maybe not, you never know). Likewise my in-laws.
My brothers have their own lives. Rich could do it but his wife would never ever go for it. It would disturb her perfect life. Ryan is completely unequipped to handle it. He can hardly handle typical kids let alone a special needs child. That’s not an indictment; he just lives a very different life. He’s single and lives in a city. I’m a married guy who lives in the ‘burbs. I don’t go out, I have no social life to speak of. I simply don’t have the time. Once in a great while I go out for a beer with my Dad or dinner with my wife but that is rare. Honestly, I don’t really miss going out all that much. Occasionally I’ll get the yen to go see live music or something but for the most part, “going out” for me means dinner. I’d much rather have a few friends over for some wine and conversation. I used to like going to the movies but the local theater is dreadful, small over priced and 80% teenagers. No. Thank. You. Combine that with the fact that most movies in wide release suck. Case in point: Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo. Now I haven’t seen the film but I feel perfectly confident it sucks. Hard.
Part of this is just getting older I guess. The shine of the bar scene doesn’t do much for me. It’s not that I don’t like going, but it’s about who you go with. I find the local pubs have good staff that are knowledgeable and friendly. They’re usually up for some conversation if it’s not crowded. I have a hard time picking a “local” as the Brits like to say. Simply because of proximity. Personally, I’d love it if they put a pub within walking distance of my house. I’d be up for a beer and a nice walk at night. Saves me the trouble of having to worry about driving and such. You still with me? Really? This post is simply random babbling and really horrible but I can’t be bothered to edit it now. Call it stream of consciousness.
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